Chapter 13 - Walking Lonely

     Cultural nuances with friendship abound and the textbook highlights this aspect of friendship (McCornack, 2019, p. 358).  The author's example of Javanese culture emphasizing same-sex friends to share a person's most intimate relationship got me to thinking...

     While traveling overseas, I have found that in most cultures, the term "friend" means something and isn't used lightly.  A friend is vetted, tried, and true.  In contrast, our culture uses the term "friend" to mean just about anything.  Like most inter-cultural exchanges, it remains important to ensure our lexicon is established before moving forward.

     Once, I worked with an international crowd and one individual was from a country where same sex friends walked together holding hands.  While I was walking with this man, he held my hand as we walked to a coffee shop to discuss a project.  Separately, we Americans called this "man handing" as it was foreign to us but we knew it was important for the project's success.  We also knew that for some members of the team, this was their first international experience.

     A few days later, my "man handing" friend stopped by to see me.  He apologized to me for holding my hand the other day.  He said that he didn't know that "Americans walk lonely."  I assured him that there was no need to apologize and that it was my honor to share time with him.

                

Photo:  Geordie Mott/Wikimedia Commons

McCornack, S. (2019). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication.  Boston:  Bedford.

Chapter 12 - Parental Favoritism

     Parental favoritism may be described as one or both parents allocating an unfair amount of valuable resources (affection, statements of love, praise, undue patience, emotional support) to one child over others (McCornack, 2019, p346).  

     While cashiering at a thrift store, a customer attempted to use her debit card.  The first time, she entered a PIN and was denied.  I asked her to try again while I pressed buttons on the machine.  The second time, she entered a PIN and was denied.  The customer said that she wanted to try once more.  I joked that in baseball, there is a rule of "three strikes and you're out!"  She laughed and said, "I only have three kids so this PIN will be correct."

     Seizing upon this, I joked that the least favorite child's birthdate must be the correct PIN as I said that the machine is ready.  She laughed, closed her eyes, squinted, and then opened them to tell me that she loves all her kids equally but some PINs come to mind before others.  She laughed.  Her third try was successful.

     I wonder if the "third PIN kid" will be as professionally successful or have a greater sense of well-being and life satisfaction as their siblings.  I will never know.  All kids could be equally loved.  Also, ascending priority order of fondness could leave that last PIN kid as her first prize.  All we may know is that she enjoyed the playful exchange as it related to parental favoritism.

Brady, M. (n.d.). Marsha Marsha Marsha! - Cindy Brady. Retrieved September 

     23, 2022, from https://makeameme.org/meme/marsha-marsha-marsha-u297r5 

McCornack, S. (2019). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal

     communication. Boston: Bedford.

Chapter 11 - Social Exchange Theory

Social Exchange Theory proposes that a person will feel drawn to other persons that they see as offering substantial benefits with few associated costs.  I have a friend who questions things with, "is the juice worth the squeeze?" His parallel of squeezing oranges to create a glass of OJ gets to a cost-benefit analysis approach. 

     Two factors drive the initial attraction; whether you perceive the other as offering the kinds of rewards you think you deserve in a romantic relationship, and whether you think that the rewards the person can offer you are superior to those you can get elsewhere (McCornack, 2019, p. 298).

     Recently, I spoke with a friend who related an initial attraction she was excited about.  She said that this one (comparing to her last boyfriend of six months) "checks the boxes" of what she likes and that he seems happy with her physical height (she harbors concern about being 5 feet tall).  I asked her, what did she think he saw in her and after some jokes, she giggled and said, "my beauty, my personality, and I'm funny!"

     Half jokingly, I asked her had she already thought about what their kids will look like and after an initial denial, she did say that IF they had children, she was super excited about his green eyes and his height.

     My friend seems to have a list of rewards to be gained by dating this guy.  Also, she either has no costs assigned (yet) or is avoiding them so she may bask in the glow of infatuation.  I sincerely hope her benefits continue to outweigh her costs.  Ahhh, that glorious cauldron of romantic attraction with its swirling portions of proximity, physical attractiveness, and similarity (McCornack, 2019, p. 296).

I suspect her list of benefits and his list of benefits are very different, yet complementary.  This may or may not matter... but the old guy is very rich.

McCornack, S. (2019). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston: Bedford.

Chapter 14 - All the climates I've seen

     Organizational climate is the overarching emotional quality of a workplace and is created primarily through interpersonal communication - the amount of trust, openness, listening, and supportiveness present in the interactions between organizational members. Two types of organizational climates exist; defensive and supportive climates.   (McCornack, 2019, p. 387)

     A defensive climate is unfriendly, rigid, and unsupportive of workers' professional and personal needs.  In contrast, a supportive climate may be described as warm, open, and cooperative.

     I heard once that when a person reflects upon former offices and the worst office memories recall first and then a best past office surfaces.  I took that to mean that when it is bad, it sticks and words like triggering, PTSD, trauma, and similar are used when discussing a person's memory of their worst workplace.  Worst workplaces have defensive climates.  

     I recently spoke with a former coworker after reading McCornack's chapter on relationships in the workplace.  Timely!

     My boss and his boss both discounted that I would leave despite my dialogue over months.  When I gave notice, my decision was met with disbelief, displeasure, and alienation.  One former office friend (almost collegial peer, from p. 390) recently telephoned to check up on me and proceeded to tell me about his successes.  He figured (didn't ask) that I missed the office.  I am unsure if this telephone call could be classified as friendly, warm, and open but I remained supportive by affirming the caller’s greatness.  I will remember that office as the one with a most defensive climate.

McCornack, S. (2019). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston: Bedford.

Image from:  https://thriveglobal.com/stories/how-to-deal-with-an-unfair-boss/

Chapter 10 - Dyadic Power Theory

      Dyadic Power Theory (McCornack, 2019, p. 263) holds the idea that people with only moderate power are most likely to use controlling communications.  

     The theory was put forth by Norah Dunbar in 2004.  Dunbar proposed that perceptions of legitimate authority to make decisions and access resources increase individuals' perceptions of their own power compared to their partner.

     I’m reminded of a teaming project in another class.  Five students were assigned by the professor to develop and present a project.  This group had three students that were either in their late twenties or early thirties.  Each had supervisory/managerial experience and thought it would be a good idea for the youngest and most inexperienced team member to take the lead as it would offer that individual leadership experience and an introduction to the use of power in a somewhat controlled environment.

     Quickly, this team leader transformed into an abundantly confident and arbitrary decision maker who commanded team members without regard to their input or the end goal.  The team shifted directions several times and ultimately earn a B.

     The team leader’s relative authority (Dunbar, 2004, page 240) acted as a power base to directly influence team members; all to make demands and control outcomes which conferred great influence. 

 
     What was learned in the end?  Perhaps it is too soon to tell!  In 1938, Russell claimed that, “the fundamental concept in social science is power…” and I suspect these team members received a lesson in Dyadic Power Theory.… and received a grade lower than they desired.



Dunbar, N. E. (2004). Dyadic power theory: Constructing a communication-based theory of relational power. Journal of Family Communication, 4(3/4), 235–248.

McCornack, S. (2019). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston: Bedford.

Russell, B. (1938). Power: A new social analysis. New York: Norton.

Image from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/workarounds-who-holds-power-over-you_b_835076

Chapter 9 - Loud means Anger and Contempt!

 Expressing emotion (McCornack, 2019, p. 248) includes loudness.  A loud voice expresses anger and contempt.  

     I know a single Mom who has a third-grader.  The little girl had returned from her first day of school.  After repeated attempts to find out how her first day went, (her response was a consistent, “good”), she opened up to the principal’s talk to everyone in the auditorium and then each teacher’s short introduction.  There was one male teacher and she chose his introduction to relate to me.  She lowered her voice to mimic him and said, “I’m Mr. Jennings.  I teach third grade.  I may sound loud like I am angry but I am not, I am a man and my voice is lower.  I am excited to see each and every one of you.”

     Initially, I was confused and the little third-grader was too busy wiggling and giggling to offer further explanation.  Her Mom told me that some kids aren’t used to hearing a man project his voice across an auditorium and they become afraid so that is why they (male teachers) tell the students about the effects of longer vocal folds.  I found this both adorable and hilarious.  I also found that little one's attempt to project a low voice both adorable and hilarious.


McCornack, S. (2019). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston: Bedford.

Getty images.  From https://ktxs.com/news/local/all-time-high-of-teachers-on-the-verge-of-leaving-profession-according-to-tsta. 

Chapter 8 - Communication Apprehension

      Communication apprehension (McCornack, 2019, p. 225) is the fear or anxiety associated with interaction, which keeps someone from being able to communicate cooperatively.  The author furthers that to overcome this apprehension, develop a communication plan and consider plan contingencies.

     I suspect many see and experience communication apprehension daily.  Two days ago, I took part in a nursing school simulation where five nursing students completed a simulated visit to a home to offer care.  The scenario assigned roles, provided a scenario, and asked us to formulate a plan and complete the simulation.  Most of the team displayed a level of “fear” and anxiety with the simulation; we became inarticulate, our working vocabulary was reduced, and we nervously exchanged eye contact with one another, and not with the simulated patient.  A steep learning curve had us off our game.

     We struggled to develop a communication plan even though our instructor emphasized that a plan was key and its importance reiterated.  We struggled to apply our knowledge and skills to a difficult patient and home situation.  My day of nursing scenarios highlighted how hard to it is to overcome communication apprehension.  We understood that a plan with contingencies was important and expected.  We did not implement our plan or expected contingencies well but this was our first attempt.

     We experienced a delta between thinking about verbal communication and doing that communication.  Listening can be hard but effectively overcoming communication apprehension can be very hard.  Practice and assessment will help us to overcome communication apprehension.

Our communication apprehension centered on effectively explaining glucose monitoring and insulin injections to a blind patient with no English skills and no money to pay for insulin.

McCornack, S. (2019). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston: Bedford.

Chapter 6 - Gender

     McCornack (2019 p. 152) defines gender as a broader term encompassing the social, psychological, and behavioral attributes that a particular culture associates with an individual's biological sex.  Also, gender varies according to culture, because different cultures have different standards, or norms, for expected behaviors, roles, and gender expression.  (McCornack, 2019, p. 152)

     Context (McCornack, 2019, p. 155) comes to mind as I am awash with different interactions that I have had recently.  Sharing the experience of gender varies depending upon context.  Recently, upon entering a store, I held the door for another to pass before I entered.  I don’t know how the other person considered my action but I probably binned it as “chivalry,” a socially constructed gender identity (McCornack, 2019, p. 153).  I suspect my decision to hold the door open was a manifestation of society's norms.  I could say it was because I am a kind and considerate human but I suspect that unconscious and instantaneous impulse was first, socially constructed gender identity.

     While driving, if another turns on their blinker to enter my lane, I slow and allow the lane change.  That deferment has no gender aspect (I think) since I cannot see the driver in the other car and my slowing is a conscious decision for the benefit of traffic flow.  My act could be feminine (cooperation) yet my motivation could be masculine (protecting).  In that situation, I claim “kind and considerate human” although I believe my decision was more about the good of the group as much as accommodating a particular driver.

God Speed!, by Edmund Leighton (1900)

McCornack, S. (2019). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston: Bedford.

Chapter 5 - Individualism versus Collectivism

     In the textbook, McCornack (2019, p. 131) highlights collectivistic cultures as cultures composed of people that emphasize group identify, interpersonal harmony, and the well-being of in-groups.

     I am reminded of a photograph of Somali women, framed on my wall at home.  To me, the image speaks of Somali culture as quintessentially a collectivistic culture.  The image was taken at a community celebration.  From my eyes, I saw a young girl who was largely free of constraints and enjoying the pleasure of dance as she swirled her skirt around.  I could see the excitement and wonder of life, through a child's eyes.

     Behind her, I saw the collective.  I saw what she will become.  Her culture will accept her, train her, teach her, scold her, offer a dress code for her, present expectations to her, and show her how to be part of the collective.  She will learn from her mother, grandmother, teachers, religious leaders, and peers.  Her youthful excitement is unconstrained and unrestrained.  When it is time for her to step back and join the group, she will have transformed into the group.

     In this photograph, I see culture communicated, layered, and lived (McCornack, 2019, p. 125).

Image taken by me at a local Somali celebration.

McCornack, S. (2019). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston: Bedford.

Chapter 2 - Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

     In the textbook, McCornack (2019, p. 33) defines self-fulfilling prophecies as predictions about future interactions that lead us to behave in ways that ensure the interaction unfolds as we predicted.  The chapter considers the term within the context of self-concept.

     Yesterday, I spoke with an old work friend.  I recalled a time when we attended a meeting with a high-level person who had decision-making authority.  We had just watched another person's proposal get denied and the high-level person, with precision, had listed the inadequacies of the proposal and then sent the person on his way.  When his turn came, my friend started this presentation with a very short mention that he had heard the high-level guy was a "people person" and now, he sees how true that is and is excited to present the proposal.  At the time, I remember thinking, "that is a bold move, full of risk."

     Well, my friend created a self-fulfilling prophecy and appealed to the decision-maker's ideal self (McCornack, 2019, p. 35) .  My friend was confident, looked like he enjoyed and believed in his work, and gave a complete project presentation.  His audience (the decision-maker) became more engaged and offered many positive pointers.  My friend left with an approved project.

License: CC0 Public Domain. Gerd Altmann has released this “Success” image under Public Domain license.

McCornack, S. (2019). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston: Bedford.

Chapter 1 - Transactional Communication Model

     In the textbook, McCornack (2019) defines three types of communication models; linear, interactive, and transactional.  Transactional communication models intuitively capture what most people think of an interpersonal communication (McCornack, 2019, p. 7).

     Once a week, I cashier at a local thrift store.  I have observed different customer reactions to different cashier styles of communication.  These brief encounters are optimal when the customer projects interest, happiness, and returns to the store.  It is the cashier's ability to intuitively capture what the customer is thinking and then acting upon that information to enhance the customer experience which makes for meaning (McCornack, 2019, p. 8) in a quality transactional communication.

     A couple was looking at leather jackets.  From about 15 feet away, I watched a long and lanky man try on a jacket.  I remarked that the sleeve length was perfect for his arms.  Leather jackets are expensive and even in a thrift store, they cost more than other jackets.  As the man continued, I jokingly remarked that the jacket made him look "strong and powerful."  His face lit up and I think that his entire body straighten up!  His wife looked at me and rolled her eyes.  He ignored his wife's eye roll and focused on my subsequent complements.  About 15 minutes later, the couple was at the register to purchase that jacket.

     The customers and I shared meaning and impact (McCornack, 2019, p. 10).  My words to the man seemed to accurately articulate his perception of self at that moment [his self-esteem] (McCornack, 2019, p. 14).  He accurately received the information that I transmitted to him.  The couple left happy.  

This image file is made available under the Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication  https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Black_worn_leather_jacket.jpg

McCornack, S. (2019). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication . Boston: Bedford.